Walking in a Crowded Field
A dog barks in the chill,
a half block away.
Geese plot their dawn
flight in committee.
The lone mallard paddles
a too-large pond.
I pace the park alone. Twined
legs will consummate a sunny day.
Playground chains clink flat
tones against galvanized posts.
Strangers don’t hear morning
through bud-filled ears.
Your elite message system
collects static and dust motes.
The restaurant sings and chants
to a silhouette in the mirror.
An empty place setting
clatters—no ritual blessing.
Water rings accuse
from an antique table, emptied.
Eggs incubate under thickets.
Echoes pad softly in shadow,
the snap of steps lost.
How silent is June.
/ / /
A revision, to this year-old poem:
Echoes and Reverberation
How silent is June: eggs incubate quietly.
The water rings on an antique table accuse
while a helicopter makes a beeline life flight overhead.
An empty place setting clatters — no ritual blessing.
Playground chains clink flat tones against galvanized posts
and strangers don’t hear “morning” through bud-filled ears.
A restaurant sings and chants, reflected in the bar mirror
and intertwined legs consummate a surprise sunny day.
Your elite message system collects static and dust motes.
A lone mallard paddles a too-large pond
and geese plot their flight in committee.
A dog barks in the cold, one darkened block away.
/ / /
A revision for Big Tent Poetry. Find other revisions, here.
May 6, 2011 at 9:27 pm
Deb, both are gorgeous, full of close observation which bring them to life. I couldn’t give a preference, although I think the change of order pulls the reader into the scene more immediately. I love the committee decision of the geese.
May 7, 2011 at 5:02 am
Thanks, Viv. I like those geese committees. Glad you do, too.
May 7, 2011 at 2:02 am
Hey Deb — I can see why you’ve made the choice you made but the first version has an immediacy that I found very appealing. I wonder whether it might be the longer lines — because I can see the logic of progressing to those wonderful geese and that barking dog.
May 7, 2011 at 5:03 am
Yeah, I see what you mean. Revising is so tough for me. I usually over-knead. :-)
I’m going to play around with this some more.
May 7, 2011 at 4:16 am
I much much prefer the revised. The whole tone is much more effective. The inversion of the piece works, beginning with the setting and then with that marvellous ending, “how silent is June”.
Thanks, Deb, for nudging us lazy ones to revise!
May 7, 2011 at 5:04 am
Thanks, Irene. I like that the action is more linear in this one. I’ll probably mish-mash both together to try to keep the logic & life. :)
I needed revision-nudging, too. Glad you did one.
May 7, 2011 at 6:18 am
Deb, you’ve reworked this beautifully – thanks for sharing the old version for comparison. What I like about the revision is that last line, because the “silence” made me go back to the beginning again to reread and look/listen for the silence in the poem. And I just like the new stanza structure.
Richard
May 8, 2011 at 4:03 pm
Thank you, Richard. It’s good to read your thoughts. I like the circling you did. That is neat.
May 7, 2011 at 8:49 am
I like the title of the first and the longer lines of the second. It’s a lovely poem either way – it speaks to how much is missed at any given time. Revision is highly overrated…:)
May 8, 2011 at 4:03 pm
:-) I’m inclined to go back to longer lines. Thank you for reading!
May 7, 2011 at 9:42 am
Hmmm…this is a tough one. Kind of like the flow of the original, but…for me, the message was much more focused in the revision. This is like asking me if I prefer the pink or white Good ‘N Plenties. Vb
May 8, 2011 at 4:04 pm
Haha! :-)
May 7, 2011 at 1:23 pm
There is a tightness and a focus about the revised version that identifies it as a significant refinement of the original. It’s almost as if the first draft was a means whereby metaphors and indeed entire verses were devised and the second draft provides both a context and a structure for their re-ordering. The atmosphere of unease and ennui that dominates the re-draft and the cumulative power of the re-sequenced imagery within it is so much more apparent. This, for me, makes it a poem where the first draft represents rather a gathering together of preparatory poetic data.
May 8, 2011 at 4:04 pm
Thank you for your clear insights. You read clearly what my hope was in the restructuring.
May 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm
Geese plotting a dawn flight in committee! That is a gorgeous line! Really enjoyed both, but do prefer the revision. Your imagery is wonderful and transporting.
May 8, 2011 at 4:05 pm
Thank you, Nan!
May 7, 2011 at 4:29 pm
Oh, I’m with Dick, I think the revision is much stronger, much more surprising and moving.
A terrific poem.
May 8, 2011 at 4:05 pm
Thanks for chiming in, Dale. I am glad you were surprised. xo
May 7, 2011 at 4:32 pm
Both are wonderful, Deb, but I absolutely love the second stanza on the revised poem. Thanks for this prompt, which I thought would be easy, but far from it.
Pamela
May 8, 2011 at 4:06 pm
Oh, Pamela. Revising is hard, hard work!
May 7, 2011 at 4:46 pm
You have a gifted voice. I like the second version, but enjoyed them both.
May 8, 2011 at 4:06 pm
That’s very kind of you, Henry.
May 7, 2011 at 4:54 pm
I’m reading these as two different poems . Both are excellent, yes similar in subject but get different feelings from them. Keep both, I do have a few poems, that have another version of it.
May 8, 2011 at 4:07 pm
Kissing cousins, those versions.
May 8, 2011 at 2:20 am
I like the revision. I too would rather be outdoors than indoors trying to use modern technology.
Strummed Words
May 8, 2011 at 4:07 pm
:-)
May 13, 2011 at 8:05 pm
feels familiar
it is chilly with
watching dogs
here